She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
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Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
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I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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