all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
