I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
