Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
