Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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