Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
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