Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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