So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
