Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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