My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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