peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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