ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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