Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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