just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
