Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
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Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
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My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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