Swine flu. Run for my life!
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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