I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
