I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
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Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
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YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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