I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
