How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
