I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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