You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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