Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
