Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I would ride that face into the sunset
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
