Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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