i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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