if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
