It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
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And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
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They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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