Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
