Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Don't EVER smell your tampon
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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