so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Is Oprah even human
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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