I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
