i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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