my phone needs a breathalizer
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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