while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
