My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
