Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
