dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize