i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
