I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
so let's talk penis.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
