Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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