why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
