we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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