your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Randomize
