Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
