I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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