i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
