Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
why do cheetos always look like penises
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
