In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
If I die, sorry about rent.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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