TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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