im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
