They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
