So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
