My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
