i need an iv and a liver transplant
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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