If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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