I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
